Chat news post (the former ARPA)
I've written a story for Criminal-23 on his birthday, and he told me to post it here, so here it is.
I can't write well, so you'll notice is goes from normal to odd to cheesy. Beware.
Just to be clear: Criminal-23 is Christopher.
This story takes place in a small country nearby Nepal. Not many people know of this country, as its surface is only a few square kilometres.
This country is pretty much the perfect country. At least, it is for a boy named Christopher. He has been living in this country since he was born, and he loves this country so much because of an organisation. It's called Admiral Rtenmaa's Present Association, and this association makes each kid's 15th birthday the most perfect birthday you can imagine. If a fourteen year old posts a letter to the association a week before his or her birthday, he or she will get the perfect present. It will be delivered the day after the letter has been sent, and the kid may not open the present up until his birthday. It's a final test, and after that the adults see the kid as an adult as well.
"Mom?" said Christopher, "I would like to ask you something..."
"What is it, Christopher? Don't make it too long though. I'm pretty tired, so we need to go to bed."
"You know that I've always wished for the best music making program there is as my 15-year-old birthday present, so I can be the best music artist in the world?"
"Well... tomorrow it is my birthday, and now I realize that isn't what I want most."
"You don't? Then, what is it you do want most?"
"I.. I think what I want most is my own, small, living Pinkie Pie."
"Is that one of those ponies from that show you constantly watch, Christopher?"
"Yes, it is."
"That's quite a weird wish. But I've heard the organisation can give you everything, even something from your own fantasy. I think it's a bit late for that though. The box is already here."
"I.. I know. But there is hope it will be a Pinkie, right?"
"I think there is, Christopher. I really think there is. And I hope for you that you will recieve what you want most."
"But," Chris's mom continued, "will you promise me you won't be disappointed when you get the music program?"
"I won't be, mom."
"Thank you, Christopher. Good night."
Chris walked up the stairs, but he couldn't sleep. He was too exited about tomorrow, and didn't really know what to expect.
"I wish that I could hold her in my arms right now. It'll be the best thing that would ever happen to me."
He tried to sleep, but he was not tired and thirsty. He didn't know if it was because he had a party yesterday, or that it was because of the exitement of tomorrow.
Anyway, he needed something to drink. He walked downstairs, relying totally on his feelings and knowledge of the house as he couldn't see anything. He felt the cold walls, thinking about how it would be sharing moments like this with a new friend. Just as he was sinking away into his own thoughts, he tripped and fell of the last two steps of the large wooden stairs.
"Fuck!" He screamed. "Why did my mom place the box on the stairs? That's the stupidest place you can put something like that!" He was surprised by the blood that came out of his nose. He almost never has a nosebleed. But what surprised him more was the soft "ouch..." coming from the box.
"Wait. This means that... something living is in there! My own pony!" Overfilled with joy he did a small dance, which I won't describe here as it may be humiliating.
In this moment of joy it seems as if he couldn't think rationally anymore. He peeked in the box, wanting to see his small new friend. He realized he broke the rules with this, but didn't care. It couldn't be Rtenmaa's intention to let a cute pony starve and dehydrate from staying in a box for too long, right? This made his last doubts go away. As he couldn't see the small animal by opening the box for just a bit, he entirely ripped it apart, revealing the animal inside.
Unfortunately for him... it wasn't a Pinkie Pie. It looked like a dog, but then with a skin colour of something between blue and green. His eyes were really big, and looked really cute. In fact, the "animal" would be pretty cute, if it weren't for its ears. They were immense, about twice as big as the average spaniÃ«l.
Chris investigated the animal, but he couldn't find a nose anywhere, nor did he find any indication whether the animal was male or female. He did notice a collar. It said: "Haastige spoed is zelden goed".
Chris was oddly enough pretty satisfied with the animal. Although it wasn't as fluffy and pink as he had hoped, at least he had a companion now. He spent the rest of the night downstairs with the strange animal, teaching him all sorts of tricks. Christopher was surprised by how smart the animal is. He learnt the tricks easily, and within a night Christopher learned him how to fetch snacks for him and turn on the tv.
Learning still takes time though. After what seemed an hour to Christopher, his mother came down.
"Did she hear us?" thought Christopher. He looked at the clock, and saw the time: 07:25! It was morning already!
"What will mom think when she sees the box opened already, and with this creature next to me? She'll hate me! Shit, I haven't come up with an excuse yet. Think Chris, think!" He deeply hoped that he could be somewhere else for a minute, so he could think of an excuse. He told Shen, that's what he called the dog-like creature, to sit down and wait for him. But Shen didn't listen. Instead, light emitted from him. The light blinded Christopher, and when Christopher opened his eyes again, he found himself somewhere else.
He didn't know where he was, but did find it strange. It was the strangest place he has ever been. There were giant octopuses flying around, dragons eating the octopuses, and tiny fishes eating the dragons.
"This is where all the impatient kids go to." Shen said. "At least when they try to lie to someone dear to them. For most kids it takes a day or two, but you managed to get here in one night. That might be a new record."
"I don't understand." Chris said. "Will I stay here until I die?" "No. You will stay here forever. There will be plenty of food, but you will be the only one in this world. However, I will grant you something nobody here gets, as you treated me well. This shows you have a huge amount of kindness in you. You treated me with respect, while I was not what you wanted. You were the first in 27 years to do that. That is why you get the privilige of sending one person here with you. In this world. To be forever with you. Who will you choose Christopher?"
Criminal-23 (Christopher) said: "lol, I'll choose the dog. =P"
"That's another kind thing to think, Christopher. As you chose me, I'll do my very best to help you survive in this world."
"I thought you said I couldn't die, and would stay here forever?"
"Don't go asking hard questions immediately, Christopher."
Days went by, and while Christopher was pretty much starving, Shen didn't seem to mind.
"How come you don't suffer from hunger?" asked Christopher. "There is almost nothing to find here, and you walk as happily as ever."
"I feed from other things than you do, Christopher."
"Can you call me Chris? I like it more than Christopher."
"Christopher, I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
"I... haven't been honest to you. There is actually a way out of this place."
"There is? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I would have to leave as well."
"You don't want to?"
"I thought I would never see anyone I know again on earth. But I have been looking around for a few days, and it seems that the opposite is true. I can only see my family again if we get out of here."
"How come you can't see your family if we're on the same planet?"
"Because this planet is larger than earth. It's about the same size of Saturn, one of the planets in your solar system if I recall correctly. If we continue to search as fast as we do now, we'll probably find them again in about 11.5 million days. And by that time, they're already dead."
"They can die?"
"Yes, they can. And so could I, until you chose me as your company." Our average lifespan is just short of a hundred thousand earth years."
"Okay. So, we're going to return to earth. How do we do that?"
"We'll have to build a bridge, Christopher."
"A bridge? Doesn't that take a lot of rocks? How far is the earth from this planet?"
"I don't mean a bridge like that, Christopher. Although it's certainly an option, it's safer and quicker to build a portal."
"Safer? We can't die."
"You can lose an arm or a leg."
"Won't you die then?"
"Stop asking all those questions. I don't know everything, Christopher."
"Okay. So, how do we build that portal?"
"I'm not an expert at building portals, but we should be able to build it with enough stone and the eye of a squid. I'll probably need a book as well, since I don't know how to build it exactly."
"Why don't you get a squid eye, and I get the book? I don't really like eyes of huge creatures."
"That's fine. The library is just over there. Most squids around here are really nice if you get to know them though. Are you sure?"
"I'm pretty sure. It's weird enough for me already. Shall we meet here again when we have the stuff we need?"
"Okay. See you soon, Christopher."
A few minutes after the previous conversation ended, Christopher arrived at the library. He didn't expect a huge dragon to be there. It was lying flat on the ground, completely asleep. It intimidated Christopher, as it could probably eat him in one bite. Christopher sneaked around it, trying to find a book. At that point he realized that he forgot to ask what book he needed to borrow. He didn't feel like going back, so he just continued searching, hoping to find a book about portals or bridges somewhere.
What surprised him was that the books were pretty much the same as the books on earth. After a few days of confusion, Chris was happy to see familiar stuff. He was thinking about, if the plan of going back to earth wouldn't work out, making this his new home. While searching for a book that would probably be of use to his new friend Shen, he imagined placing furniture similar to his old furniture in the corners of the library, and lying down on the huge carpet that covered almost the whole ground floor while playing video games.
Finally, after searching for about ten minutes, he found a book which explained about warping from place to place. He was satisfied with the book, and leaned against a bookcase to read it. He was curious what it was about. He liked having something to read after being bored for the past few days. It would've been better if he didn't lean against the bookcase though, as it tipped over and fell on the tail of the dragon.
The dragon screamed in pain, and spat out a huge firebolt in the direction of where the bookcase used to stand. Chris managed to dodge it, but the bookcase behind him caught fire. It quickly spread, and lit the whole bottom floor. Chris ran to the exit as quickly as possible, and managed to get out without touching any fire. He ran to the meeting point, hoping to be safe there. He didn't see the dragon anymore, so he assumed it died in the fire. Or it just didn't care. He has seen weirder.
When he came to the meeting point, Shen was already there.
"What took you so long, Christopher?" asked Shen.
"I had to search for a book that would be useful to you."
"Any book would've been fine. The portal will have to be in the shape of a book, so I just need an example."
"Nng, all that trouble for nothing. And the dragon was friendly as well?"
"There was a dragon there, Christopher? No, they'll try to kill you if you get near them. The only way to defeat them is with their own fire. But nobody has ever succeded in killing one. That would've been an option as well. If you collect a dragon scale within a minute after he died, you and everyone in a five mile radius will be teleported to a place of choice. But killing a dragon seems pretty impossible to me."
Chris was filled with sadness, but quickly got over it. "Let's just make the portal." he said. "Have you got the eye?"
"Of course. I asked them, and they didn't mind giving it to me. The eye of a squid will grow back within ten minutes after losing it."
Chris and Shen did their best to build the portal. With the amazing math skills of Chris and Shen's knowledge of portals it was made within an hour. Chris teached various mathematical tricks to Shen, including the law of sines, the theorem of Pythagoras and the use of logarithms.
"If you step through the portal we just made, Christopher, you will land on earth. Unfortunately, I can only warp us through one of two things: time or space. This means we won't know in what time we will land on earth."
"What?" Chris screamed. "Aren't there any portals who can?"
"There are, but I do not have the knowledge. You can find that in the library though. But from the meeting point I saw that the library was burned down. Do you have anything to do with that, Christopher?"
"That's a long story I'd rather not tell."
"Okay then. I'll accept that, as a friend. But I have another question for you, Christopher: do you want to return to earth now you do not know what time it will be when you enter?"
"I do. I want to take the chance."
"Well then, let's go, Christopher."
Eight years after going through the portal, Chris and Shen discovered they were warped to about 1 BC. Chris started to write all sorts of stuff, mainly a mixture between reality and fiction. He wanted to star a huge role, but because Shen was his new best friend, he decided to make a small adjustment to the name in the story so Shen felt like he played a role in the story as well. The name he came up with is Christ.
The rest of the story is known by the majority of the people on earth, up until today.